I can’t sleep. I eat because if I don’t I will slip, I will slip so far down that I’d need help getting back up. And I don’t want help.
How can something that was once so beautiful become something that brings so much pain and suffering? Become something that brings more heartache than ever imagined? It’s not fair. I never wanted this to happen I never meant for any of this. I hate myself. Should I hate myself? I don’t know. I just breathe.
Take any bone in my body before breaking my heart. I know that I’m not alone and that you feel this too.
But I don’t deserve to carry all of this guilt and have this weight on my shoulders magnify. You will get through this and so will I. I know it doesn’t make sense, I know none of this is clear. Will I see you on the other side?
I love you more than you know. I wish you would listen to me. I hate this and I feel like it’s impossible.
Did you sleep last night? My guess is that you probably didn’t, because I sure as hell didn’t.
Woke up with the sunrise and hit the trail running before the summer heat followed. Didn’t stop me from sweating buckets but that’s the way I prefer.
I hate this and I feel like it’s impossible.
Judge me for the way I cope if you want, or for how I’m constantly writing about how I feel. It’s not for attention in the slightest. Believe what you want, or listen to me. It helps me process and accept.
Just because we have different ways of dealing with our feelings and emotions, doesn’t mean you should turn a negative eye to mine. And maybe that’s not what you’re doing but I sure can’t help but feel that. And there is no reason for there to be guilt on me for the decisions I make. I’m not attacking anyone here, I’m speaking from my heart. I care about you, I care about your feelings more than I care about my own. I love you.
Waking up with bruises on my arms.
Why do I take so many pictures of myself? You know what, mostly it’s just none of your business but another mostly is because I want to and that’s why. If anyone thinks that I’m attention seeking or full of myself, they can think what they want. Social media is warped. There should be no judging, there should be no shaming.
If you think you know me through what I post, then you need a reality check. Life isn’t about what we post, or what we choose to share. In fact, life goes on without us. It doesn’t pause for us when we open up our social apps, and life isn’t hashtags or usernames. Life is you. Life is us.
It’s about pain and suffering, about love, and about finding ourselves within this orbit around the sun, and under the moon and through the stars.
It lives through you.
Maybe I’m making no sense right now and that’s okay. I’m just speaking my mind. And sometimes our mind doesn’t make sense to anyone but ourselves. This is for me. For my wellbeing.
I’ve spent the majority of my life being eaten alive by a very powerful control that wasn’t mine. Something that wanted only to take my life away as quick as possible and in a way, it did.
If I was asked 5 years ago where I’d be today, I would have never guessed this is where I’d be. And I’m not saying my life is great, or perfect, or that I’m the happiest person I know. Never would I even claim that for myself for a second. This is what I’m saying: everyday is a fight, a constant struggle that on some days I want to just give up. But the more progress I make and the better I find myself feeling in my own skin, the more motivation I find deep within. That in itself is very important to me.
I’ve worked harder than I ever could’ve imagined to get to where I am right now. This is not the end. I was born with the strength of pushing myself and challenging myself, both mentally and physically. It’s safe to say that I pride myself for that. Pushing my limits is a challenge I thoroughly enjoy, while keeping cautions.
I wasted so many years hating myself and hating the body I live in. Finding the slightest bit of confidence makes me feel a way I can’t exactly put into words. So maybe I take more pictures in the mirror than I’d like to admit, but I actually find that as a progress. Being somewhat content with what stares back at me. And who ever said there is something wrong with that, with taking pictures of ourself in the mirror? I think I’m the one that told myself that. I’m the one that has told myself a lot of what I believe that isn’t true.
And guess what? That slight bit of confidence can be and 85% of the time is taken away from me in the blink of an eye. In the blink of my eye. Taken away from me by that very powerful control that isn’t mine but was once claimed as mine. So I strive to take back that slight bit of confidence and hopefully help it grow, one day at a time.
I see so many others live their lives happy and content with themselves, and whether or not I see lies, it still makes me want to find that for myself. So it goes one day at a time, and that’s sometimes the best that we can do. There’s a wild amount of work I’ve put into this, into myself without knowing what’d it’d bring me. Because I’m a fighter. And I think I’m learning for myself that the reward I receive is love. From myself for myself.
If you do know me, you know that I fear nothing in life outside of heartache. Because when comes heartache is when life gets hard. When life becomes so scary that I want to give up. Like I said, take any bone in my body before breaking my heart. I speak to the world when I say that.
And even though a broken heart takes a long time to heal, maybe that’s what we need as humans. Maybe because how can we learn from ourselves and from our lives if we don’t take risks, right?